Recently I added a couple people to my Xanga friends list (and they are fairly established in the Xanga community, to boot). One of these people is a fellow who is a proud atheist who provides a decent amount of rebuttals to all faith, religion, and other things he sums up to fairy tales/smoke and mirrors. In a way I admire him for his willingness to look into things (this being actually RESEARCHING) and questioning the status quo of religion/faith, and on the other hand I find his tactics incredibly abrasive and offensive. Don't get me wrong, I find this hilarious from a shallow perspective--however, looking at things from a more mature standpoint, flaming other people from the Xanga community by using offensive language and sarcastic remarks really detracts from someone's credibility. But maybe that's just my own personal take-not everyone thinks that using vulgar language detracts from an appearance of intelligence. From what I understand, the person these offensive remarks were directed at did not have certain facts straight in a particular interaction that I really don't know the details of. Irrespective, even with the inaccurate claims the directed at individual made, it'd still be the bigger move of said intelligent and respected individual to not treat the other person as an unintelligent or otherwise "retarded" person. 

As much as this fellow really is intelligent, I find it difficult to overlook the disgusting way he talks to people and about people that speak so preachily to him. However, in a way I can't blame him-I am certain that part of the reason he acts the way he does is because of the way Christians have treated him in the past; to be perfectly honest, nothing is more offputting than someone who tries to cram their beliefs down your throat, no matter how true they may or may not be. Subsequently, this can over time make an individual rather bitter.

I guess I'm just trying to work this out in my head. Can an individual still be respected because they are intelligent even if they stoop as low as to treat other people as lesser beings? Perhaps it is my outlook that blinds me-I happen to think that if someone treats you in an unintelligent or uncouth manner (the preachy people) you should be the bigger person and not meet aggressive tactics with more aggression. Aggression agitates more aggression, and it only festers and grows with each increasingly tension-filled rebuttal. Where does this cycle end? I suppose it is my personal opinion that the cycle ends when someone has simply had enough and ends communication and speaking of the other person ends as well. Speaking ill of someone in a public place will only make things worse, won't it?

Am I wrong for letting this bother me?

DRAGON.  

I'm a car salesman, and I charge by the hour. In loaves of bread and your overpriced jewelry and luxurious perfumes. "I mean, if perfume smells good, and loaves of bread taste good, why not mix them together," I thought, as I took another upper class old lady on a test drive.

I dreamt that my true grandfather from my dad side that died from a brain tumor when my dad was 11 was alive. His wife, my grandmother (who is still alive) didn't have Alzheimer's and was full aware. My dog Sneakers that died a few years ago was alive and well. My sister didn't get divorced. All relationships were whole and new and I wept tears of joy that all was right with my world. I hugged those in my family and told them I love them as I wept. Thing is, I couldn't rightly imagine what my grandmother would be like if she had her memory. It was too long ago since her memory went. I don't know what my real grandfather that died when my dad was 11 looked like.

Even in my mind's best depiction of a perfect world, it was still so very flawed.

Amidst the chaotic happenings and circumstantial riffraff that has been going on in the past couple months, I've been attempting to stay positive. This past month has been rough financially for me, and I don't know how I'm going to get out of the rut that I'm currently in. As such, while I really wanted some new technological toy from my parents, I ask them if they could give me money instead because I can't pay for the bills-mainly because I haven't got many hours at my current job and they won't give me more. That kind of made me depressed.

A week or so ago my mom was telling me that during hard financial times such as the great depression, a kid would be ecstatic to receive an orange for Christmas... yes, an orange. How could someone possibly be excited to get a piece of fruit for Christmas? After thinking about it for a bit, I came to the conclusion that, as with many other things, it's all a matter of perspective. I've been brought up in a materialistic society that just wants more stuff. Most people around here have a roof over their heads, food to eat and clothes on their backs.. but we complain when we have to cut back a little on our stuff that we buy, use and consume. An orange might not seem like much, but it can mean all the difference in the world to a child who is used to having to settle for bland food and just not a lot to eat in general. To have a sweet, juicy orange. That's all it takes for him. What does it take for me to be happy?

I spent some time thinking about this... but then woke up for work one very snowy Wednesday morning (which was in fact, yesterday) to a car with a completely flat tire, one that had a nail in its side and was plugged by my mechanic. He said that plugs usually don't work on side walls of tires, but somehow it did and it's been working for about a year. But, something in the weather must have messed it up somehow, because it is now obviously very flat, and the rim is bent from me driving on it a bit first before realizing that it was flat... and I ran into another subsequent mini depression about it. How would I pay for this in addition to all the other bills I have to pay this month? So yesternight we had Christmas Eve dinner, just our immediate family, And I'll tell you, Christmas this year at the Von Lankens seemed pretty lame. We didn't get a Christmas tree until yesterday (and we ended up never setting it up or decorating it because we thought it'd be a waste to set it up for one day, get pine needles everywhere and get the ornaments from the attic and blah blah blah...), when all the Christmas trees were picked over, and it's more of a Christmas bush than anything else it is so unbelievably puny, in a Charlie Brown sense. Also, no shopping had been done by ANY OF US, myself, my sister, or either of my parents. But, my mom and dad did get me a fleece, and a letter with it. The letter spoke of the significance of the fleece, that I will find warm and welcoming places for my relationships, my career and my church. Sure, all the other Christmas years I received video games, game systems, guitars and iPODs, but there's something special about this one. While devoid of decorations and elaborate presents, I found a much deeper meaning in the closeness of family, and the warm fuzzy feeling I felt when I read that letter made it all worth it.

I still struggle with my financial worries, but I'm trying to give it all to God and just do the best that I can. I know that if things get harder, my family and friends will be there, through thick and thicker, thin and thinnest. It's been difficult, and things may get harder, but a warm reminder that God is there and my family is there sure makes things a bit more tolerable.

... I have no idea what to do with this change.

Fighting the compulsion to just fall off the face of the earth because of it.

Might give in.


... give me a reason not to.

...and I still really miss being there. I miss the train rides from my hotel all the way to Jo's house... from Circular Quay to Central, past Redfern, Strathfield, Toongabbie and Blacktown, all the way to Quaker's Hill. I still remember how to get to her house. I remember when she met me at the train station by her house, and we just sat in the park by her house enjoying the time we were able to spend together, knowing that our time is short but not really knowing how short it actually was.

Now, being nearly full time in school with so few hours at work, I don't get much money, and I'm in the hole in a lot of ways... I owe money and I can hardly pay my bills, and my expenses keep piling up... and I just can help but continue to pine for those days, for that place, for her presence that I very much so took for granted although I tried my best not to. But I am far from that now, physically far from her and timewise getting further and further from the time I was there. To be perfectly honest, it sucks. It really does. I know I will return... but when and how, I just don't know.